BABY'S LOVE

My sister had a baby last month. This tiny ball of sunshine has since occupied my life completely. Probably because now, I'm older than I was when all my other siblings had babies, I am much more directly involved in the care of baby Miriam. While I've always been obsessed with babies (if you want to kidnap me, showing cute babies is the way to go), it's pleasantly surprising to have a baby love me this much. Yup, I said it. Miriam ADORES me. In a big way - stops crying when she hears my voice, smiles when she sees me in the morning, sleeps easily in my arms, makes it obvious that I'm her favourite - BIG. 

It is humbling as much as it's brag worthy. Being the youngest in the family with a considerable age gap meant that I was often too young for the milestones that my siblings were at. I wasn't old or brave enough to hold tiny babies, giving proper support to their neck. My favourite experience was holding the babies when I was sitting for a few moments and just smiling at their cute faces. However, having Miriam in my arms long enough for her to fall asleep was a treat. 

While I might not be the lean girl who started this blog, I haven't improved to a point where my frame can be called 'not bony'. So under every law of probability, that baby has enough bodies around her with enough fat to be more comfortable and cozier than she is with me. And she's not old enough that I can attribute it to my sunny personality! And yet, here we are . (I cannot resist dropping pop culture references, especially when it's said by my favourite character in Witcher)

It's so surreal for me that someone that is this tiny instinctively trusts me for comfort and warmth, something that I'm not really mentioned for in my family. Everytime she huddles close to me, it's like my heart heals itself - a bit like when my grandmother used to smile at me. I'm hesitant to accept these gestures that blatantly show me worthy of love and worthy as someone who can be gentle and comforting.

Yet, what was puzzling to me was the familiarity of that rush of happiness I felt when she crowded close to me. I already confessed that I'm not particularly applauded for being someone like that in my family and still, I felt that it was a familiar trait attributed to me. So one fine Sunday afternoon, when I was sitting with a napping Miriam, it hit me like a lightning rod (in a good way, I guess?). That love felt familiar because that's exactly what my friends made me feel. Miriam's love was, in fact, a shadow to the love my friends poured on to me. I was so overwhelmed by gratitude that I had to pen this ode to my friends - not because my words are the best, but words are the best way I know to express love. So I'm writing this - between trying to get Miriam to nap, waiting for her name to be called at the doctor's lobby, minutes before falling to sleep and basically at every spare moment I can find.

This love has filled my heart so greatly that even the five minutes I get in between everything else is spent on this love letter. My friends showed me that unconditional love is not the sole proprietorship of a divine entity - flawed humans can do it in their own way. Perhaps a more accomodating way of putting it would be that the divine has instilled their presence and amazing love in the human, that filtered through some truly beautiful people that I've had the fortune to call my friends - my found family.

I've always taken the time to tell everyone I know that the saying, 'blood is thicker than water' is a bastardised version of the real quote to diminish the significance of found family. Maybe it's the patriarchal and discriminatory systems that did so to make sure that their oppressive structures are validated by some unfounded sense of loyalty. As the real saying goes, 'the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb'; so are my bonds with my friends. It's enriching, strong and so much more warm than the ones I've been born into.

This realisation has not been easy - it's often accompanied with guilt born out of the internalisation of narratives pertaining to the glorification of familial love. How dare I not recognise the sacrifice of those who brought me up? It took me some time to figure out that loving my friends did not mean that I was ungrateful to my family, nor do I hate them. They're just.....not my people.

And my people? Are so perfect for me and very forgiving of my flaws. I have practically seen the wheels in their head turn when I act stupid and I've seen the moment they decided to let go and love me anyway. In Aditya's easy acceptance of my craziness and willingness to hear EVERY. SINGLE. THOUGHT. that crosses my brain with no judgement and only love (and finding me new friends who love me because he's given such an impressive image of me, and then calling them my fans🤦). In Anushka's perfect hugs and constant pursuit of goodness for me, even when I don't see it myself. In Srishti's endless patience to hear my confusing rants about everything under the sun and being my home eternally, despite all my mood swings. In Arunima's soft sighs when I annoy her and her fond eye roll. And thankfully, God has not stopped there with these blessings - even people I don't get to connect with as regularly as these four, show me the same intense love. Ana's unyielding adoration, Gokul's instinct to see if I'm okay even if they are about to pass out (quite literally), Asna's constant assurances, Niranjana's easy acceptance, Karthika's gentle loving, Muti and Krishnayan's constant need to annoy me to the point where they know I'm okay, Charisma's unending love and mischief and so much more. There are so many moments of kindness that I've felt from so many incredible people that I know I'll run out of space. Rihanna's now-famous award speech, where she asks people to "tell your friends to pull up" is a favourite of mine, because my friends have pulled up and how! In mood swings, in ugly cries and in anxiety attacks - they've showed up for it all.

Malayalam superstar Mammootty recently said that "To love is to define love", in a press conference for his newest film 'Kaathal' , which talks about the nuances of love. Most of my life , I've thought of love as a noun, something static that I had to achieve; viewing love as a verb, something that I do everyday, has radically changed love for me. So have the lovely people who've become my family. They've been 'doing love' so fiercely that not only do I feel loved, but I also feel worthy of being loved (with a little help from therapy).

To go back to where I started from, baby Miriam's love is great but it does come with a twitch of doubt and feeling of inadequacy. I feel like I have to rock her better, make my arms feel more comfortable for her and maybe put on a little more weight to be deserving of her love as her favourite bed and favourite person . But with my friends, I strive to be better for sure, not because they make me feel like I need to, but they show such shining examples of love, that I can't help but shine with them.

The baby's love is a lot like interior decorations; it makes an already functioning building a lot more attractive. But my friends' love? It's the scaffolding, believing in a building's potential even when it's bare bones and providing support anyway. Surely, a baby's love is humbling, but my friends? Their love is where I find my footing.