The one time I cried

Coming from the southern most tip of a country to its capital can be intimidating, especially when it’s for something which necessarily involves instances of competing or at least trying to match yourself with the most brilliant minds of a country. Was I ready for it? The last time I did something adventurous was when I decided to enter for a debate competition in my school voluntarily. My marksheet quivered in my hand and I had to keep looking at my grades to remind me that I had the marks if not the ability to take on this challenge. Yet the prospect of meeting people who were far more superior than me in every way was unnerving. I tried calling my friends who knew me very well to validate my opinion about myself. All of them said the same thing, “ Stephy , you’ve worked very hard for this. You deserve to go.” After trying positive self-talk and realising within seconds that it was not working, I  somehow convinced myself to take the plunge. To all who is reading this, if you haven’t figured it out already, this was me preparing to come to Delhi for the admission. To many this level of anxiety for an admission might sound silly, but think of it this way – if you have to move a grain of rice to say 1 cm, it’s the easiest thing, but is it so for an ant? If there’s anything that I’ve learnt from my short stay in this beautiful planet, it’s that everything is a matter of perspective. I strongly believed that people with low self-esteem didn’t have the right to dream and be ambitious. I chided myself for being ambitious and my family for supporting my dreams. I had cried a million times when I was leaving home to come here and also when I was here. Amidst all my discussions about going back home, came a notification from DU to cancel extra applications in case any were made. I ignored it knowing that I wouldn’t take the trouble to create one more application when I had been so unsure about the first one. However, minutes prior to closing the registration portal I randomly signed in and checked my registration status. The first thing that came to my phone screen was the information that my additional application ( application 0) had been automatically deleted. I dropped my phone and started screaming. Finally my sister had to come and reassure me that my original application wasn’t deleted and I was still in the process of getting into DU. I cried, actually I wept. But there was something new about those tears. Those were not the tears of anxiety but were full of hope. It was then that I realised that my dreams were strong, stronger than my inhibitions. I knew then that the change had begun. Looking back , I realise what Ms. Arundhati Roy meant when she said, “ Another world is not only possible , it is on her way. On a quiet day I can hear her breathing.” And that day was the one when I sensed her breathing. A new world, rather a changed world where I was indeed ready to take on my challenge, was waiting and I had started on my path towards her.